It's late. I can't fall asleep.
When I can't fall asleep, I usually start to think too much unnecessary thoughts. At night it's so much harder to escape from them, isn't it? When there's nothing but silence, no-one but you. I tried to escape by getting up, turning the computer on and writing here. As if it was better with a computer's noise...
I visited my grandmother today. I very seldom do this. I have never spent much time with her even though she lives about twenty kilometres away. When I was a child I used to visit her more often with my parents but now I don't feel the need and she, evidently, doesn't feel it either. I have visited her for the first time in a year and she didn't even ask about anything that had to do with me. But frankly - I don't care.
I was sitting there, most of the time thinking about my grandfather who passed away two years ago and about all those weird things in their room. I tried to imagine my father's childhood in that apartment and him playing outside at the sports ground. I even asked him if he remembers it but he doesn't remember much. While standing on a balcony, he showed me an exit from an air-raid shelter a few meters away from the building. I tried to imagine what this place looked like during II World War and it made me feel sad. Funny, I've stood on the balcony so many times before and saw that exit and wasn't aware of what it was. Also a photo of my 21-year-old dad in a military uniform made me feel weird. Especially that I was sitting opposite and saw him, a 58-year-old man, and a frame with the picture which was behind him. This way I could easily compare them. This afternoon I also realized how much I admire my dad for the great knowledge he's got. I remember he could always answer my questions. Always. No matter if I asked him about outer space, physics, history, geography, politics, medicine, maths, biology, technology... he always gave me an answer. I used to ask him: "How come that you know it all, dad?" and he always replied: "I just know". And today I recalled it all and it made me feel proud that he's my dad.
Suddenly I started to listen to my grandmother as she was telling some interesting story from her childhood. It was about some fortune-teller she and her friends met. She read from their palms and predicted their future.
Associations. They just come to our head, uninvited. And the image appeared in front of my eyes immediately. The Chopin's Park in Gliwice. I was sitting with my ex on one of the benches on a beautiful, sunny day. Suddenly, a Gypsy woman approached us and told us she could foresee our future for a small amount of money. We said we weren't interested but she didn't go away. She sat next to me and said: "Yeah, you both seem happy, you've got your partner and all, you're sitting here and having fun, but here, my girl, in those beautiful eyes, there's a great sadness." - "Oh really?" I said and laughed. And he also laughed. She went away and we lauged silently at her. She didn't seem to care, she just went on to ask other people for money. But that day I put a mask on my face and laughed with him instead of admitting the truth. She was right. But nobody could know that then.
When I can't fall asleep, I usually start to think too much unnecessary thoughts. At night it's so much harder to escape from them, isn't it? When there's nothing but silence, no-one but you. I tried to escape by getting up, turning the computer on and writing here. As if it was better with a computer's noise...
I visited my grandmother today. I very seldom do this. I have never spent much time with her even though she lives about twenty kilometres away. When I was a child I used to visit her more often with my parents but now I don't feel the need and she, evidently, doesn't feel it either. I have visited her for the first time in a year and she didn't even ask about anything that had to do with me. But frankly - I don't care.
I was sitting there, most of the time thinking about my grandfather who passed away two years ago and about all those weird things in their room. I tried to imagine my father's childhood in that apartment and him playing outside at the sports ground. I even asked him if he remembers it but he doesn't remember much. While standing on a balcony, he showed me an exit from an air-raid shelter a few meters away from the building. I tried to imagine what this place looked like during II World War and it made me feel sad. Funny, I've stood on the balcony so many times before and saw that exit and wasn't aware of what it was. Also a photo of my 21-year-old dad in a military uniform made me feel weird. Especially that I was sitting opposite and saw him, a 58-year-old man, and a frame with the picture which was behind him. This way I could easily compare them. This afternoon I also realized how much I admire my dad for the great knowledge he's got. I remember he could always answer my questions. Always. No matter if I asked him about outer space, physics, history, geography, politics, medicine, maths, biology, technology... he always gave me an answer. I used to ask him: "How come that you know it all, dad?" and he always replied: "I just know". And today I recalled it all and it made me feel proud that he's my dad.
Suddenly I started to listen to my grandmother as she was telling some interesting story from her childhood. It was about some fortune-teller she and her friends met. She read from their palms and predicted their future.
Associations. They just come to our head, uninvited. And the image appeared in front of my eyes immediately. The Chopin's Park in Gliwice. I was sitting with my ex on one of the benches on a beautiful, sunny day. Suddenly, a Gypsy woman approached us and told us she could foresee our future for a small amount of money. We said we weren't interested but she didn't go away. She sat next to me and said: "Yeah, you both seem happy, you've got your partner and all, you're sitting here and having fun, but here, my girl, in those beautiful eyes, there's a great sadness." - "Oh really?" I said and laughed. And he also laughed. She went away and we lauged silently at her. She didn't seem to care, she just went on to ask other people for money. But that day I put a mask on my face and laughed with him instead of admitting the truth. She was right. But nobody could know that then.
2 comments:
The elder have a lot of interesting things to say. Nowadays I listen, whenever I can. Unfortunately I never met my grandfathers, but I believe they're watching over us.
I wish I had met my other grandfather and grandmother. My siblings said they were the best. Unfortunately, they died when I was 3.
I was born on my grandfather's birthday. They told me he was the happiest man on Earth then. That's a shame I haven't met him.
Because paternal grandparents have never been even nice, to tell you the truth, and I have almost no relationship with them.
Thanks for dropping by, S. :hug:
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